Catch Up

Wow. It's been over a year since writing anything. I mean, I knew it's been a while but damn. Here's what's happened since I've been gone:

- Got in to law school (yay!)
-Moved to FL to start first year of school
-Moved back to Seattle (boo) after first year because the hubby was still here
-Started my 2nd year

Annnnd...that's it. I'm sorry there aren't more exciting things to report. Really, I decided to write because I have a lot going on and I have no one to talk to. I know, I know. 'What about your husband?' Have you ever had an issue that you didn't want advice, or sympathies, or condolences for? You just want someone to shut up and listen and say that sucks, I'm sorry you're going through that. My husband isn't that person. He's a fixer and I don't need that right now.

We've been trying to conceive for 5 months, and each month...nothing. We did get a positive test in July, but I had miscarriage. That was rough. It happened while my mom was visiting us, and I hadn't even told her yet because I was thinking of a cute surprise. Well, surprise, I had a miscarriage and oh, by the way, I was pregnant.

It sucks really, really badly. I've been trying to be hopeful every month, and it is a soul crushing blow for every month to get a negative test. Of course all I can do is think 'what if I had done this?' and 'what if I had done that?' The worst part is the uncertainty it leaves you with. Will it ever happen? What if it doesn't? What if it's him? What if it's me? All these questions and no answers. I had to deactivate Facebook because I can't handle all the pregnancy and birth announcements. If I see another one, I will lose my shit. I want to be happy for people, but I'm not. I'm angry. It's not fair. All these years I've done everything right: no drugs, no prostitution, marriage THEN baby. Still nothing. No one I know understands the position I'm in. They all say the same shit. "Relax." "Don't worry." "It will happen." FYI, DO NOT SAY THESE THINGS. You don't know that it will happen and don't fucking tell me to relax. It's basically impossible for me to talk to anyone about how I'm feeling so instead I just put it out into the blog universe.

Until next time.