Okay. So with my new(ish) weight loss, I'm starting to do a lot of things I've never done. Paint my toes, run some laps, shop in normal stores. Today was another first for me: I got a Brazilian wax.
Now, for those of you that are not aware, a Brazilian wax differs from a standard bikini wax in that all the hair is removed. ALL. OF. IT. From everywhere. Front to back.
Sounds awesome, right?
Let's take this from the beginning.
I get to the salon and am quite relieved that it doesn't look like they might also be running a small sweatshop in the back. You have to go through these glass doors to get to the waxing area, which I figured would be handy when I start my Tourette-like behavior. After being led past the point of no return, I got my first surprise. Tessa (the aesthetician) told me to take off all my clothes from the waist down and pull the towel over me.
Excuse me? All? You see, I had previously been (mis)informed that when getting a Brazilian, you keep your undies on and simply pull them to each side when it's time to wax. Maybe that's true, but not the case here. So now I'm getting the bubble guts because I have a problem with showing my Britney to strangers, even if they have an M.D. behind their name, and even more so when they don't. Anyways, my stomach is doing some serious rumbling and I'm thinking, oh God, please please PLEASE do not let me get gas right now.
Tessa comes back in and pretty much gets right to it. She rolls up the towel and my Britney is out for all to see. Dramatic, I know, but seriously, there was no leading into it. I kept having to tell myself to stop being an idiot; this woman problems sees hundreds of cooters, mine is no different. I told her this was my first time and she explained to me how this was gonna go. I'm glad she didn't BS me about how it's not that bad; actually, she kept repeating that since this is the first time, it's gonna hurt like hell. Good. I was hoping for some pain tonight. She said that it hurts less on the bikini line but most definitely gets worse as you move towards the inside. I'll go ahead and just let you think about what she means by the inside.
Mmmhmm. Yes.
So she bends my legs into frog position and starts chatting away. At first I thought she was a little spastic, but then she said she wasn't really expecting me to chat back, it was to try and take my mind off the pain. She slathers up the stick thingy with the wax and more or less paints it onto my bikini line. She's using hard wax, which is wax that you rip off without the wax strips. Supposedly it's better---but it's not. Anyways, the first rip didn't hurt as much as I thought it would and I started to relax. Bad move. She moved to the dreaded inside. Here she is, talking away and effectively distracting me from what's about to come and then started picking at the edges, which I guess is how she tells the wax is ready for removal. She grabbed hold of the end and let 'er rip.
OH. MY. HELL.
I swear on all things holy, those hairs must have been connected to nerve endings in my spine. My toes curled, my back arched, and I had a very 40 year old Virgin reaction. Tessa had obviously heard it all because she didn't miss a beat talking about her dogs. Like I give a shit at this point. My eyes are watering, my ears are ringing, and I don't care about your Boston Terrier and the tricks she can do. Mind you, this is only the bottom of the inside. There's still the middle and top (she doesn't do it in one strip), and a WHOLE other side. I clearly am not able to quit now but Jesus, Mary and Joseph, I want to. A few more toe curling rips later and she's done with side one. She goes back over it to make sure she got everything but it's so numb at this point, it doesn't even matter.
The first rip on side 2 is worse than the first rip on side 1 and it's all I can do to not punch her in the teeth. Granted, she started on the outside, but for whatever reason, this is way worse than the very first time. So here she comes with the wax to slather on and as she's applying it, an alarm in my brain goes off that says "shit is about to get real right now." I don't even know how I knew, perhaps it was the way in which she was spreading on the wax, but I just KNEW this was not going to end well. As she starts the rip, it hurts so bad that I jump and she looses her grip on it and the wax is still stuck to me. This happens two more times. On the fourth time she has to tell me that moving is not helping and yes, this will be the most painful spot, but the sooner she can get it off, the better for me. I went deep down inside my happy place and steadied myself. She ripped it off and a tiny tear rolled down my cheek. According to her, everyone has one spot that the toughest and that was mine. Thinking about it now, I can still feel a little bit of throbbing. And FYI, this was not even the inside.
After we're done with the inside, her next instruction is to put my feet flat on the table and lift one leg in the air. I'm thinking, okay, so far you have been almost nose deep in Britney, not even my GYN gets that close, and now you want my leg in the air? What the eff for? Well, apparently there is hair there that can't be reached in the normal position. She told me it shouldn't hurt since there's very little hair there. Lies. It hurt less than, say, giving birth. But not by much.
Now we're nearing the end and she tells me she's just going to "get up the back." Yes, that is as uncomfortable as it sounds. I will say I was happy that for this, I only had to lay on my side because I was always thought you had to get on all fours with your butt in the air for them to get that. At first it wasn't weird, but then her finger grazed my butthole. More than once. I had what can only be described as a gag reaction, except it's more of a pucker. I'm sure that looked attractive. At some point, it registered with me exactly where the wax was going (where nothing should go) and I didn't even have time to get ready before she rips it off. Let me just tell you, it's no more fun to "get up the back" done than it is to get hit by a truck.
But here I am now. I survived. And I like the results. I would recommend everyone doing it at least once. Have a drink or 5 first though, and maybe some Vicodin.
