I'm A Big Kid Now

Time and time again I find myself stuck in a job I hate. And every time I say "this will be the last time" but it never happens.

Until today.

I hate my current job. Actually, I don't hate the job itself as much as I hate the person I work under but really, it's the same thing. Anyway, I've been looking for an out since I started and my husband told me about an open position at his office. It would be doing nothing that I ever wanted to do, but at least I wouldn't be here anymore. I've been going back and forth with it since last night and when I went to bed, I had decided that I would just go for it. This morning though, it hit me. I can't expect things to change if I keep doing what I've always done (not to mention it could reflect badly on my husband if I take the job and then 2 months later I'm ready to bounce). Instead I've decided to stick it out and wait until something I truly want comes along. Even if that means I have to deal with the biggest c-u-next-Tuesday this side of the Mississippi.

I'm growing up 😄

Positive Thinking

I recently finished reading A Place of Yes. It's not a book I normally would have read willingly (even though I LOVE Bethenny) because I'm illogically against self-help/motivational/self-actualizing books, but a friend of mine suggested I give it a try and for reasons still unknown, I did. It might be too early to tell, but I think it's going to be one of those books that life changing for me. I'm currently trying to implement some of the things she talked about. First up is having what Bethenny refers to as an "I'm on top of it" approach. Basically, she advises against thinking any job is beneath you and no matter the task, no matter the job, even if you hate it, do your best at it; people around you will take notice and that could open many doors for you. Those people who, when given a task, are all about "I'm on top of it!" are those who tend to go farther. Pretty much the equivalent of you catch more bees with honey than with vinegar.....or however that saying goes.

It's no secret I hate my job. With a passion. Not only do I hate the actual job (which is copying, scanning, emailing, and overall creating and building a case that you don't really get credit for) but I also hate the paralegal. She's rude, obnoxious, condescending, and I just don't vibe with her. However, I've decided that instead of complaining about it all day, because let's be real, it's not changing anything, I will continue to do my job and do it well until another opportunity comes along. Today was my first day giving it a try. I won't lie, it was hard as hell at certain points in the day, but I'm not giving up.

I should try using some of these rules in other aspects of my life and I plan on it, but really, baby steps.

Turns Out Not Where But Who You're With...

Sorry DMB, but I'm calling BS on that one.

I seem to be regressing. When I was younger, I used to cry, bitch and moan constantly about being a military brat. I can distinctly remember saying that when I have kids, I making damn sure that I don't marry a military man because I want my children to have stable lives and the same friends from kindergarten up to college. Then around the time we went to Japan, I changed my tune. I couldn't WAIT to marry someone in the military so my kids could move around and experience different people and places, and I've been like that ever since.

Except now.

I am so homesick I could cry. Or scream. Actually, I've been doing both lately. Today is worse than ever because this weekend if my family reunion and this is the first time I'm not there. I didn't go mainly because I have to take the LSAT tomorrow, but if we were living in FL, or at least somewhere close, I could make it home. It's takes damn near a full day with time changes and such to fly from here to FL and obviously driving is out of the question.

This also presents a problem when it comes time for us to start a family. I keep saying that I need to be close to my support system before I start having babies; my husband seems to think all we need is each other. I'm sorry, no. He doesn't understand where I'm coming from because 1) he's a man and 2) he thinks that whatever his mother was able to do means that's the way to do it...he's very "if she could do it, so can you." It's not about whether or not I CAN; of course I can. But who wants to do that? I'M the one who will be at home for 3 months with a newborn, I'M the one who won't have anyone to get me out of the house at the 4th week so I don't go crazy, I'M the one who will need her mom and won't be able to have her readily available. Okay, maybe that last one isn't entirely fair since his mother isn't with us anymore, but you get my point. He doesn't even try to see things from my perspective. Also, it's fun to share this experience with your friends and family: baby showers, maternity clothes shopping, hospital and home visitors....all stuff I won't have here because I only know ONE person.

I hate it here.

Time for an Update

So it's been forever, I know, but aside from a few highlights, my life hasn't been that interesting. Here's an update in the shortest form I can manage.

• July 29th, 2012, Stephen and I tied the knot. It was my most favorite day of my life thus far and I'm excited to live the rest of my life with him.

• We both started new jobs. He loves his. I hate mine. Actually, it's not that I hate the job itself, just the girl I work with. And come Monday, the fur is gonna fly. You'll know if I still have a job if the frequency of my posting increases.

• A close friend of mine got engaged and I'm super excited for her. My husband asked me the other day if I was in the bridal party and it wasn't until then that I realized I'm hurt I wasn't asked to be. And that's all I have to say about that.

• I have decided to start a business. It's in it's very early stages and I'm excited to see what I can do.

So yeah. Months and months of my life can be summed up into 4 bullet points. Awesome, right?

Until next time.

Under 21 not permitted

I posted today on FB a question that I've been trying to figure out the answer to by myself. How exactly do I tell people that they're children are not invited to the wedding?

Oh, the responses. It's at least 30 responses deep and there are mixed feelings. People pointed out that regardless of the words I choose, there will be people that will bring their children anyway. I get that people with children want them to be with them but quite honestly, it's my day (well, our day) and if I say no children, I'm really hoping that people will respect that. That would be like you inviting me to your party and telling me not to bring a friend of mine that you really can't stand, but I decide f*ck it, I'm bringing her anyways. Kind of disrespectful. And maybe something little like that shouldn't bother me and kudos to those that it wouldn't make a difference to. HOW-EV-ER, I am OCD and like things the way I like them and dammit, I only plan on doing this once so why shouldn't it be exactly how I want it?

Don't get me wrong. It's not that I hate children or that I think people will be getting naked wasted. It's that 1) I don't want to risk children (mainly babies) starting to cry in the middle of the ceremony, then the parent has to get up and it's a distraction and 2) most of the people invited have at least one child. Do you know what that does to your budget?!? I'm not paying $15 a child so your kid can eat 1/2 a chicken finger and 3 fries.

I'm gonna try not to give myself an ulcer worrying about it but I guess I'd better gear up for the uncomfortable phone calls I might have to make to let people know that "sorry the no children at the bottom of the invite wasn't clear...."

I did say (jokingly) say that I was going to have a bouncer but now I'm thinking my planner may have to wear that hat on 7/29.

Back to Life Back to Reality

The past 3 weeks have been fairly interesting. For starters, I got a job working in a pet store. I thought it would be awesome since I was working in the doggie day camp, but after 4 days of being stuck in a room reading a million pages of how to take care of a dog, I decided it wasn't for me. Actually, it didn't take 4 days for me to decide; I wanted to quit the first day. But because my fiance and are trying to get married sometime this year, I figured I'd better suck it up because we need the money.

However, just when I said I wasn't going back to work the next day, I got a call that I got a manager position at a gym. Hallelujah! I did something I've never done before and called the pet store and told them, sorry, not coming back. I had my first day working at the gym and thought 'well hell. this sucks, too.' But in a strange turn of events, I received a call from a law firm that wanted to hire me. WITHOUT AN INTERVIEW, AT THAT! Because I liked the people at the gym, I went back the next day and explained to them the situation instead of calling. So yay! Now I have gainful employment and not a moment too soon because I need me some health insurance. Like right now.

Even thought it's only my second day at work, I like it because I'm doing the same work I was doing in Jacksonville so there isn't that learning curve. Normally, the first week of a new job sucks because instead of doing work, you're following someone around and watching them do work.

Stephen also had an interview somewhere so I'm excited to see how that turns out. God is looking out for us.

Day 3

Annnnnnnnd scene.

I did it. I ate.

Let me back up to day 2. Shortly after that entry, Stephen and I sat around throwing back and forth to eat or not to eat. We were starving and delusional and not in our right minds.

Okay, sorry for the dramatics. We weren't actually starving (obvi) but we were pretty hungry. And talking about food and thinking about it, I just couldn't hold out anymore. As much as I would like to blame this on him, it's my fault. I'm the only one of us that controls what I do and I could've fought through it and stayed strong, but I just didn't. So we went to Whole Foods and got salads. And organic popcorn. Then we came home and ate said salads and popcorn. And maybe a Girl Scout cookie or two.

I should've stopped at my salad but once I tasted the forbidden fruit, the floodgates were open and I couldn't stop. I also probably should have started over again on day 3 (technically day 1) but again, I had a taste of the good life and wanted more. So yeah. I ate again yesterday. A strange thing happened though. I pointed out to Stephen now that I'm eating again and we have all this bounty in the house (because contrary to what some people do, we did not get rid of all the good food in the cabinets and refrigerator), I didn't really want it. I actually felt like my body was craving the juice and once I made some and drank it, I was satisfied. So I made it two more times.. When I got up this morning, I thought about starting fresh today. Then I showered and changed my mind. Then I went and sat forever at the lab to drug test and changed my mind again. However, I'm currently eating some trail mix while I type, so I guess it changed again.

I'll be honest. I wasn't even going to confess. I thought no one would even notice if I just skipped over entries. But then I awoke this morning to a message on FB telling me that I was inspiring and I thought "well, I can't be both inspirational AND a liar." So thank you, MM, for keeping me honest.

Who knows? Maybe this will still inspire someone to give it a try and they'll reach their goal. Maybe someone will try and stumble like I did, but read this and know that sometimes that happens. Either way, I hope I've helped.

Day 2

I started today with it not being that bad. Now that I'm at the end of the day, I want to slap anyone that talks to me.

I can't really figure out what it is that's annoying me. I can honestly say I'm not really hungry; it's probably just that I miss the act of consuming food. I am a foodie to the core. I love going out and trying new foods, I love flipping through menus and reading the descriptions of food, I love absolutely everything about food and now I can't have ANY. Ugggghhhhh.....

Thank God for my fiance because without him, I would be cramming my pie hole full of tacos right now. We did, however, have a 10 minute debate as to whether or not we wanted to throw in the towel. A friend asked me today why I was doing this and my answer was 1) I'd like to lose a couple pounds and 2) I just want to see if I can. It's the second part that's keeping me going right now. I know if I stop I'll feel like a failure and that I don't want. I just hope I can remember that tomorrow.

Day 1

I'm almost hesitant to say that day 1 wasn't so bad because I don't want to trick myself into thinking these next 6.5 days will be easy. But, in all honesty, it really wasn't that bad.

For breakfast, I had a spinach and green apple juice and Stephen had a carrot and apple juice; mine tasted like fresh cut grass and his was a lot better. It got harder once he went to work because I didn't have anyone to distract me from thinking about all the delicious food I can't eat, but even then it wasn't terrible. Something I didn't realize is that you should have a juice every couple of hours; when you've been a lifetime "dieter" like I used to be, my mind immediately switched back to trying not to eat for as long as possible. I definitely don't suggest that and tomorrow I will be juicing every couple of hours.

I felt bad for Stephen because while I got to sit at home and sleep away the urge to eat, he had to go to work. At Barnes and Noble, which is connected to.....Starbucks. Yeah, I don't think I would've made it if I were him, but he stayed strong and I'm so thankful he is willing to go along with this because without him, I would've caved by now.

I'm praying that tomorrow goes like today, except about 20% easier.

7 day cleanse

Last night, the fiance and I watched Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead. It was quite eye opening and inspiring. Long story short, it's a documentary about a guy who at 40-ish, was annoyed by how many medications he had to take due to his ailing health. He decides to heal himself from the inside out by going on a 60 day juice diet. He also traveled to different states to talk to people about how what he was doing and to find out about their health and eating habits. Along the way, he meets a trucker who is morbidly obese and inspires him to do a cleanse of his own. Watch it on Netflix.

Anyhow, it got me thinking about my own health. I've been doing very well with my weight loss but I feel that, especially within the last month, I have been doing not so well. I'm sure it has a lot to do with the fact that I sit at home every day waiting for someone to call and offer me a job. Which, if you think about it, should probably work the opposite way. I have ALL DAY to work out, as opposed to a few select hours before or after work. However, trying to break the bad eating habits that I've fallen back into is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

So the fiance and I are embarking on our own juice diet/cleanse. We'll be starting out with 7 days though; not eating for 60 days might make me kill someone. I will attempt to do a day-by-day account of our progress. Assuming I don't pass out.

The More Things Change....The More They Change

For those of you that kept saying my dad will come around, turns out you may have been right on this one. Even though he continues to deny there was even a problem in the first place, I have noticed he has made some big changes. He is using the "h" word and started making plans for us to come to the family reunion in October. When I told him we might not be able to make it, he said if it becomes a financial thing, he would take care of it. I thought if/when this happened, I would be having none of it. I usually have the "screw me once, you're dead to me" mentality, but that doesn't seem to be the case this time. Which is nice because now I don't have to waste energy being pissed at him for the rest of his life.

Another big change: I can't WAIT to start having babies. Crazy, right? My short term goal is to not get pregnant before May so that if we did get a little surprise, I would at least be able to still fit in my dress. My long term goal is to not get pregnant before the end of the year because I'd like to enjoy our time as newlyweds (at least for 6 months). After that, well, we'll leave it to God :)

Britney Gets a Haircut

Brazilian waxes are ridiculously expensive. Well, expensive in the sense that I have to pay you $80 to inflict extreme pain on my nether regions. If anything, you should be paying me for not kicking you in the face because THAT takes an extraordinary amount of control.

Anyways, so when I saw a coupon on livingsocial.com for 60% off, I decided to snatch it up right away. Being that I'm in a new city and have no idea about any place's reputation, this was definitely a risky move for me. Still, 60% off?!? Can't beat it. I called ahead to the salon to find out what type of wax she used because I still had it in my head that the hard wax (wax applied without strips and only adheres to the hair itself) was better, but she said uses soft wax (applied and taken off with the strips). She claimed that in the 5 years since switching to the hard wax, her clients like it better. I took her word for it because what the hell do I know?

I did do a little research on hard vs. soft wax (not that it mattered at this point because I already bought the deal and I damn sure wasn't wasting it) and it's one of those things that I guess is based on preference. One thing I did come across, which is something I had forgotten about, is that to help with pain, it's smart to take 2 Advil about an hour before. I figured if Advil is good, Vicodin is better, so I popped one about 45 minutes before my appointment and headed out.

I don't need to run through all the details again because it's pretty much the same drill as before. However, I have a feeling that THIS is how waxes are supposed to go. My aesthetician, Xandra, was amazing. For starters, she was right about the soft wax. Or maybe it wasn't really the difference in wax so much as the way in which the hair was removed. Xandra removed the hair in small areas, as opposed to the last lady who seemed bent on getting the job done in as few passes as possible, like the wax was coming out of her paycheck. It might seem like one would want it to be done quickly and, therefore, in big swipes. But no. I'm here to tell you smaller is better (probably the only time I will ever utter those words). There were still those tough spots that I mention before and yes, they were just as painful, but considering I'd waited long past the suggested 6 week touch up, it wasn't as bad as I thought I was in for.

Conclusion: get a wax. If you find the right person, it's really not that bad.

P.S.
Stephen didn't go because although she does wax men, the coupon was only good for women. Plus, now that I've seen her, I don't really think I'll be letting him go to her. Did I mention she's pretty much a Romanian goddess? Yeah. No. He can go to Sven.

Bridezilla Moment #1

Me: When I ordered my dress in December, I was told it would take 2-3 months. Now I'm being told it won't be here until May. What is the problem?

Sales lady: Yes. Um, well, it seems like this style takes a little bit longer to come in.

Me: A little bit longer is an extra week or 2. Not 2 months longer. And furthermore, this type of information would have been helpful before I ordered the dress because it probably would have influenced my decision to buy, but I'm sure you knew that already.

SL: It's supposed to be shipped to my store, but if you'd like, it can be sent to you instead and you can get someone to alter it, if needed.

Me: Remember that time I said I moved to Seattle? Yeah. So.....should I wear my dress on the plane back, or stuff it in my suitcase? No. I will not be flying back and forth to Orlando a million times. I will be there in March and I will be there in July for my wedding. So I don't care who you have to call and what deals you have to make, but you need to get my dress there before March 18th.

SL: I can try to call the designer, but-

Me: Give me the number.

SL: They don't-

Me: Give. Me. The. Number.

SL: I-

Me: I'll find it online.

I could deal with wanting filet mignon but having to get flank steak. I could deal with ordering orchids but getting hydrangea. I could even deal with someone showing up with an extra +1. But my dress? Fuck this up and I will skin you to make a new one.

I'm coming home, I'm coming home. Tell the world I'm coming home

I have safely reached my final destination of WA. I'm so excited to be here with my fiance and to really begin these next chapters of our lives together.

It still kind of doesn't feel real yet, though. I changed clothes yesterday and started to fold thing and put them back in the suitcase. Then I realized that was completely unnecessary. So I forced myself to hang things in the closet. Maybe by next week it'll start to sink in that I'm home.

Here are some highlights/random thoughts about my trip out here:

- President Jimmy Carter was on my flight from ATL to Seattle. He also walked through the plane and shook everyone's hand. Pretty cool.

-I hate that flying makes people so cranky. I mean, it's an aircraft with more people than room so one can expect to get nudged or bumped every now and then. It's not like someone knifed your kitty so SIMMER. DOWN.

-I discovered I am one of those cranky people. But really. I want to look out of the window, too, so excuse me middle seat lady, it's not necessary to lean your dome forward to see, thus blocking my entire view of the mountains.

-I attract people that say the most random and inappropriate things to me. I can't explain why.

-I'm pushing the 6-8 week mark on getting another wax. Stay tuned for that because it might turn out to be a couple's outing :)

Countdown to a New Chapter

In 14 days, I will be on a plane to start a new life. I shouldn't be nervous; after all, I'm going to live with my best friend, but I haven't been able to shake the feeling. Then sitting at work today I realized its because it'll be the first time in 8 years that I've had to make friends.

I don't even know how to do that. It's different as a kid because that's what kids do. In high school, it was hard at first because everyone knew each other since 1st grade, but when I moved to Okinawa it was easy because we were all kids in a foreign land. Same with going to college. This is the first time as an adult that I will be the new kid.

I hope I can find a place at the lunch table.

Is This a New Record?

Two posts in two days? Has this happened before?

I usually write on 2 occasions: 1) something amazingly funny has happened and I have to share or 2) I'm incredibly stressed out. If you guessed that is a time #2, congratulations. You win.

I know just yesterday I wrote about how excited I am to move, and I still am, but I'm also worried. And when I'm worried, I don't sleep. Good thing I'm taking vitamins because all this stress is bound to make my hair fall out :(

I've been up since about 3am, watching Teen Mom 2 and worrying about my (read: our) future. I finally sat down to do some LSAT studying--story of my life. Which kind of got this ball of worry rolling. I still don't feel prepared enough to take it next month and do well enough to get into school this fall. However, if I don't take it now, I would have to wait until NEXT YEAR to apply for (and hopefully start) school. It might not seem that bad but not only will I be 30 this year, I'm also getting married in 6 months.

I know plenty of people get married and go to school and blah blah blah, but I feel like my time is running out. The logical next step after marriage for me is to have children. Although I don't plan on making this an immediate step, I would like it to happen within the year after our wedding. Law school is at least another 3 years and I feel that having a child while being a full-time law student is a less than ideal situation.

But then that leaves me with, if not law school, then what?

I never thought I'd be in this place. Growing up, I figured by this time in my life, I'd be good at something. Anything. But I'm not. I have no real skills to speak of and I don't have a career; I just have jobs and feel that I'm floating around trying to find something to do and it's becoming a huge waste of time. I started out with psychology and then decided I didn't want to go farther with that. Then I did entertainment business but trying to get an in with no experience is damn near impossible. Law has always been in the background but after 2 failed LSATs, I'm not really looking forward to getting back on that horse.

I have to do something. I want to be able to help my future husband support us, I want to give my children the best life possible, I want to love (or at least not loathe) what I do, and I want to feel like I can breathe.

Now wonder I can't effing sleep.

Today is where my book begins

I have taken one step closer to starting my new life. I turned in my notice to work and by the end of this month, I will be joining my fiance in Washington. I absolutely cannot wait to get there; I just wish it were HERE already. I should be wishing that time would go by a little slower, since I have about a million things to do between now and then, but my need to be with him and beginning our lives together overrides that.

(I was going to insert a cute picture of us, but can't figure out how to make it not show up at the top of the page)

In other news, look for an update post regarding "THE WAX." I'm due for a touch up around the first week of February. Should be interesting, to say the least.