Wax On, Wax Off

Okay. So with my new(ish) weight loss, I'm starting to do a lot of things I've never done. Paint my toes, run some laps, shop in normal stores. Today was another first for me: I got a Brazilian wax.
Now, for those of you that are not aware, a Brazilian wax differs from a standard bikini wax in that all the hair is removed. ALL. OF. IT. From everywhere. Front to back.

Sounds awesome, right?

Let's take this from the beginning.

I get to the salon and am quite relieved that it doesn't look like they might also be running a small sweatshop in the back. You have to go through these glass doors to get to the waxing area, which I figured would be handy when I start my Tourette-like behavior. After being led past the point of no return, I got my first surprise. Tessa (the aesthetician) told me to take off all my clothes from the waist down and pull the towel over me.

Excuse me? All? You see, I had previously been (mis)informed that when getting a Brazilian, you keep your undies on and simply pull them to each side when it's time to wax. Maybe that's true, but not the case here. So now I'm getting the bubble guts because I have a problem with showing my Britney to strangers, even if they have an M.D. behind their name, and even more so when they don't. Anyways, my stomach is doing some serious rumbling and I'm thinking, oh God, please please PLEASE do not let me get gas right now.

Tessa comes back in and pretty much gets right to it. She rolls up the towel and my Britney is out for all to see. Dramatic, I know, but seriously, there was no leading into it. I kept having to tell myself to stop being an idiot; this woman problems sees hundreds of cooters, mine is no different. I told her this was my first time and she explained to me how this was gonna go. I'm glad she didn't BS me about how it's not that bad; actually, she kept repeating that since this is the first time, it's gonna hurt like hell. Good. I was hoping for some pain tonight. She said that it hurts less on the bikini line but most definitely gets worse as you move towards the inside. I'll go ahead and just let you think about what she means by the inside.

Mmmhmm. Yes.

So she bends my legs into frog position and starts chatting away. At first I thought she was a little spastic, but then she said she wasn't really expecting me to chat back, it was to try and take my mind off the pain. She slathers up the stick thingy with the wax and more or less paints it onto my bikini line. She's using hard wax, which is wax that you rip off without the wax strips. Supposedly it's better---but it's not. Anyways, the first rip didn't hurt as much as I thought it would and I started to relax. Bad move. She moved to the dreaded inside. Here she is, talking away and effectively distracting me from what's about to come and then started picking at the edges, which I guess is how she tells the wax is ready for removal. She grabbed hold of the end and let 'er rip.

OH. MY. HELL.

I swear on all things holy, those hairs must have been connected to nerve endings in my spine. My toes curled, my back arched, and I had a very 40 year old Virgin reaction. Tessa had obviously heard it all because she didn't miss a beat talking about her dogs. Like I give a shit at this point. My eyes are watering, my ears are ringing, and I don't care about your Boston Terrier and the tricks she can do. Mind you, this is only the bottom of the inside. There's still the middle and top (she doesn't do it in one strip), and a WHOLE other side. I clearly am not able to quit now but Jesus, Mary and Joseph, I want to. A few more toe curling rips later and she's done with side one. She goes back over it to make sure she got everything but it's so numb at this point, it doesn't even matter.

The first rip on side 2 is worse than the first rip on side 1 and it's all I can do to not punch her in the teeth. Granted, she started on the outside, but for whatever reason, this is way worse than the very first time. So here she comes with the wax to slather on and as she's applying it, an alarm in my brain goes off that says "shit is about to get real right now." I don't even know how I knew, perhaps it was the way in which she was spreading on the wax, but I just KNEW this was not going to end well. As she starts the rip, it hurts so bad that I jump and she looses her grip on it and the wax is still stuck to me. This happens two more times. On the fourth time she has to tell me that moving is not helping and yes, this will be the most painful spot, but the sooner she can get it off, the better for me. I went deep down inside my happy place and steadied myself. She ripped it off and a tiny tear rolled down my cheek. According to her, everyone has one spot that the toughest and that was mine. Thinking about it now, I can still feel a little bit of throbbing. And FYI, this was not even the inside.

After we're done with the inside, her next instruction is to put my feet flat on the table and lift one leg in the air. I'm thinking, okay, so far you have been almost nose deep in Britney, not even my GYN gets that close, and now you want my leg in the air? What the eff for? Well, apparently there is hair there that can't be reached in the normal position. She told me it shouldn't hurt since there's very little hair there. Lies. It hurt less than, say, giving birth. But not by much.

Now we're nearing the end and she tells me she's just going to "get up the back." Yes, that is as uncomfortable as it sounds. I will say I was happy that for this, I only had to lay on my side because I was always thought you had to get on all fours with your butt in the air for them to get that. At first it wasn't weird, but then her finger grazed my butthole. More than once. I had what can only be described as a gag reaction, except it's more of a pucker. I'm sure that looked attractive. At some point, it registered with me exactly where the wax was going (where nothing should go) and I didn't even have time to get ready before she rips it off. Let me just tell you, it's no more fun to "get up the back" done than it is to get hit by a truck.

But here I am now. I survived. And I like the results. I would recommend everyone doing it at least once. Have a drink or 5 first though, and maybe some Vicodin.

Stuck in a moment and I can't get out of it

I swear I have aged 40 years since Thursday. When I have this many thought running through my head, I like to use bullets to I don't for get anything. I also try to do them in order, but that doesn't always work, so forgive me.

• This past Thursday, I got engaged to the love of my life!
  
• He bought my dream ring that I have been talking about pretty much since we met :)

From there, it went downhill

• Told my mother, she was ecstatic. Told my father, he was not so much. Side note: he STILL hasn't said congratulations
• He couldn't even be bothered to look at my ring which
• Pissed my fiance off and in turn
• Pissed me off
• My fiance had to fly back to Seattle :(

Then it got a little better

• My mom assured us that she and my father would pay for the wedding
• Her getting excited about dress shopping, planner shopping, and shopping in general made me get excited

But of course, it didn't last

• Turns out my dad is racist
• He went so far as to give me reading material on hate crimes and the dangers that can befall an interracial couple
• He claims to have no money to pay for a wedding

Then it went up a little

• My mom said she would talk to my dad about his dickheadedness
• And it didn't matter, we would plan my wedding without him

Sigh, when will I learn

• She tells me SHE can't afford to pay for a wedding
• I have a sneaking suspicion my father has managed to change her mind

So basically I went from over the moon because I'm finally engaged to my soul mate to wanting to jump out of my office window because it looks like I won't be having a wedding.

Isn't this shit supposed to be the best time of my life?!?

Leaving Orlando. Take 2.

Time to pack it up again. For real, this time. I made the decision to move after the bf left me to go across the country. Did that sound bitter? Hm.

ANYWAYS, I figured most of the people I was friends with while in school are gone, the few friends that I DO have left all have boyfriends/significant others and I sometimes feel like the 3rd wheel, I have no family here and in general, I just feel lonely. Lucky for me, my job had an opening in the Jacksonville office; I applied and I got it.

I move next week and although I'm excited, I'm also a little nervous. More nervous than that time I went to NYC. A teeny part of me wants a do over and just stay here, but I realize that's just me being comfortable where I'm at. Maybe a little shake up is what I need right now.

The Return

As promised, I'm back :)

I'm going through some tough times and in an attempt to not flood my friend's news feeds with emo status updates, I will do all my crying and bitching here. That was your warning.

My boyfriend left today and is driving across the country to Seattle. To live. Without me. I get why he did it; he has to put himself in the environment to get the job he wants. But honestly, I thought I'd be with him. There are two main factors as to why I didn't go and now, only one of them seems important.

He hasn't even been gone 10 hours and I feel like I've lost a limb. My friends have been awesome, checking in on me and offering words of encouragement. I know it will get easier as time goes on, but this first day/night sucks without him. I still sort of can't believe he won't be back in a couple of days; I feel like he's on a mini vacay. The longest we've ever been apart is 7 days; other than that, we've spent every day for the past 4 years.

I miss my other half. I want him back.

I'll Be Back

I didn't realize it's been 6 months since my last post. I've had quite a bit going on but very soon I will be spending more time writing.

I just need a minute.....

FAIL

Be warned. This is a woe is me post. It'll be pretty negative. If that's not what you're looking for in your day, you might want to skip this.

I got my LSAT scores yesterday. Remember when I said I'm either smarter than I thought I was, or I did horribly? Yeah, it was the latter.

To be honest, I didn't think I would do phenomenally. I thought I would fall in the average range, given that 1) I hadn't taken this test before and 2) I studied but not as much as I should/could have. To say I did horribly is a gross understatement. I'm not giving a number, but I would equate it to not breaking 1000 on the SAT.

At first, I sat in shock. Then I was kind of numb because, well, there went my dream of going to law school. Later on, I cried because I feel like a failure and this? Right here? Is why I never took the test in the past. I'm a big believer of knowing my capabilities and while I think I'm savvy enough to be a good attorney, when it comes to having to takes tests, I can't do it. I don't know if it's lack of focus or diminished mental capacity, but either way, I suck at it. I always have. Elementary school, middle school, high school, all the way up. When it came to doing homework and class participation, it was clear I knew the material. But then it would be test time, and I'd be getting Cs. It's incredibly frustrating and I have no idea how to fix it.

While it's a devastating blow to my ego (since I pride myself on being fairly intelligent), it isn't really the end of the world. Although my score has, temporarily, taken me out of the running for most of the schools I planned on applying to, I can re-take the test in February or June. However, deadlines are approaching and for a few of the schools on my list, the December test is the latest one I could take before applications were due. So now I have to go through the schools, find out which ones will allow me to use scores from June, and study my ass from now until then.

But if I still don't do well after an additional 5 months of studying, I may drive my car off a bridge.