Stop This Train/ I Want to Get Off and Go Home Again

That plays in my head every time I step into the subway. The whole song doesn't fit how I feel, just that line.

It's pretty late and I should be sleeping but 1) I have to wait up for SD to call me and 2) I can't sleep when I'm upset, so writing it down should help.

I am SICK AND TIRED of people trying to tell me what to do. I have pretty much decided that after I leave NYC for Vegas, I will not be returning. Yes, I've only been here a little over a week, but so what? I know in my heart what's right for me and what's not and, really, that's all that matters. I mean, I know I don't like cooked broccoli. Do I need to eat it for 3 months to know for sure? No.

Okay, so maybe broccoli isn't on the same level. Then let's compare it to a relationship. I knew within the first few weeks of being with SD that this was something I wanted to stick around for. Should I have waited 6 months and then made that decision? No, because it's not necessary. People process thoughts and emotions differently and I'm sorry that I can do so faster than you. Actually, that's not true. I'm not sorry.

I have shared these thoughts (the ones about not returning) with a few people before writing this post and I was met with mixed reactions. Some had the nerve to say that I was only going back for SD, or that I need to stay here for a year or so to really get the feel of it. First of all, no. I am not going back FOR HIM. Do I miss him? We all know the answer to that. HOW.EV.ER. Orlando is home to me. Or I should say it's the closest thing to home for me, considering I spent the last 8 years of my life there (the rest were spent moving somewhere new every 3 years). So even if he weren't there, that's where I would be going. Second of all, I find it amusing that this is coming from the same people whose first question when I decided to come to NY was "what about SD?" Sooooo.....I should have been considering him and his feelings when moving away from him, but going back should only be about me? Where is the concern for him now? Oh. Okay. That's what I thought.

Even if none of that were true and my decision to not stay in NY was completely and utterly based on wanting to be with him, IT'S NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS. Sure, you're entitled to your opinion but if you only have negative things to say, keep it to yourself.

To those people, I say: "Bitter, party of one. Your table is ready."

I will admit, I toyed with the idea of staying because of lame reasons like I don't want people to think I'm a quitter or that I'm giving up. I keep having to remind myself that I'm not doing anything for anyone but myself. The only people's opinions I care about are my mom's, my dad's, and SD's. Anyone else can go fly a kite.

Another thing that I mention (and it gets overlooked) is that staying here is dependent upon getting a paying job. If I don't have one, whether or not I want to stay will be irrelevant. I have applied to NBC and CNN here in the city and we'll see what happens. Will I feel the same way about my decision in 22 days? Probably. Is there a slim possibility that could change? Always. But the way I can tell this is the right decision is that I have no inner turmoil about it (starting a sentence with a conjunction still kills me, but sometimes I can't help it). I'm not going back and forth asking myself "what if?" and whether or not I am sure. Getting a good job here is the only thing that will make me stay.

I also have a lot to say about my internship as well, but I think I've done enough raving for the night.