Stuck in a moment and I can't get out of it

I swear I have aged 40 years since Thursday. When I have this many thought running through my head, I like to use bullets to I don't for get anything. I also try to do them in order, but that doesn't always work, so forgive me.

• This past Thursday, I got engaged to the love of my life!
  
• He bought my dream ring that I have been talking about pretty much since we met :)

From there, it went downhill

• Told my mother, she was ecstatic. Told my father, he was not so much. Side note: he STILL hasn't said congratulations
• He couldn't even be bothered to look at my ring which
• Pissed my fiance off and in turn
• Pissed me off
• My fiance had to fly back to Seattle :(

Then it got a little better

• My mom assured us that she and my father would pay for the wedding
• Her getting excited about dress shopping, planner shopping, and shopping in general made me get excited

But of course, it didn't last

• Turns out my dad is racist
• He went so far as to give me reading material on hate crimes and the dangers that can befall an interracial couple
• He claims to have no money to pay for a wedding

Then it went up a little

• My mom said she would talk to my dad about his dickheadedness
• And it didn't matter, we would plan my wedding without him

Sigh, when will I learn

• She tells me SHE can't afford to pay for a wedding
• I have a sneaking suspicion my father has managed to change her mind

So basically I went from over the moon because I'm finally engaged to my soul mate to wanting to jump out of my office window because it looks like I won't be having a wedding.

Isn't this shit supposed to be the best time of my life?!?

Leaving Orlando. Take 2.

Time to pack it up again. For real, this time. I made the decision to move after the bf left me to go across the country. Did that sound bitter? Hm.

ANYWAYS, I figured most of the people I was friends with while in school are gone, the few friends that I DO have left all have boyfriends/significant others and I sometimes feel like the 3rd wheel, I have no family here and in general, I just feel lonely. Lucky for me, my job had an opening in the Jacksonville office; I applied and I got it.

I move next week and although I'm excited, I'm also a little nervous. More nervous than that time I went to NYC. A teeny part of me wants a do over and just stay here, but I realize that's just me being comfortable where I'm at. Maybe a little shake up is what I need right now.

The Return

As promised, I'm back :)

I'm going through some tough times and in an attempt to not flood my friend's news feeds with emo status updates, I will do all my crying and bitching here. That was your warning.

My boyfriend left today and is driving across the country to Seattle. To live. Without me. I get why he did it; he has to put himself in the environment to get the job he wants. But honestly, I thought I'd be with him. There are two main factors as to why I didn't go and now, only one of them seems important.

He hasn't even been gone 10 hours and I feel like I've lost a limb. My friends have been awesome, checking in on me and offering words of encouragement. I know it will get easier as time goes on, but this first day/night sucks without him. I still sort of can't believe he won't be back in a couple of days; I feel like he's on a mini vacay. The longest we've ever been apart is 7 days; other than that, we've spent every day for the past 4 years.

I miss my other half. I want him back.

I'll Be Back

I didn't realize it's been 6 months since my last post. I've had quite a bit going on but very soon I will be spending more time writing.

I just need a minute.....

FAIL

Be warned. This is a woe is me post. It'll be pretty negative. If that's not what you're looking for in your day, you might want to skip this.

I got my LSAT scores yesterday. Remember when I said I'm either smarter than I thought I was, or I did horribly? Yeah, it was the latter.

To be honest, I didn't think I would do phenomenally. I thought I would fall in the average range, given that 1) I hadn't taken this test before and 2) I studied but not as much as I should/could have. To say I did horribly is a gross understatement. I'm not giving a number, but I would equate it to not breaking 1000 on the SAT.

At first, I sat in shock. Then I was kind of numb because, well, there went my dream of going to law school. Later on, I cried because I feel like a failure and this? Right here? Is why I never took the test in the past. I'm a big believer of knowing my capabilities and while I think I'm savvy enough to be a good attorney, when it comes to having to takes tests, I can't do it. I don't know if it's lack of focus or diminished mental capacity, but either way, I suck at it. I always have. Elementary school, middle school, high school, all the way up. When it came to doing homework and class participation, it was clear I knew the material. But then it would be test time, and I'd be getting Cs. It's incredibly frustrating and I have no idea how to fix it.

While it's a devastating blow to my ego (since I pride myself on being fairly intelligent), it isn't really the end of the world. Although my score has, temporarily, taken me out of the running for most of the schools I planned on applying to, I can re-take the test in February or June. However, deadlines are approaching and for a few of the schools on my list, the December test is the latest one I could take before applications were due. So now I have to go through the schools, find out which ones will allow me to use scores from June, and study my ass from now until then.

But if I still don't do well after an additional 5 months of studying, I may drive my car off a bridge.

It's Been A While

Here's what's happened in the past 4-ish weeks:

1. I started working. I actually like my job. It's not stressful, which is a big plus for me. Especially if I plan on working and going to school at the same time. The people I work with are nice and overall, it's a good company.
2. I've lost 58 lbs to date. I bought a whole new wardrobe (mostly for work) and I feel fabulous!! I look pretty good, too :)
3. I finally took my LSAT. It was not as bad as I thought it was going to be. Which means I'm either smarter than I thought I was or I'm not at all and I did really bad. I'm hoping it's the former.
   
4. I've also started filling out my applications for schools. I'm struggling with my personal statement. I haven't led an interesting life. I'm not a crack baby, I was never homeless, I grew up with both parents in a loving home. I'm not being flip. I just sometimes feel like those are the types of stories schools like to hear about; it's almost like you have to show that you can overcome diversity to handle higher education. Hopefully I can form an essay that doesn't suck.
5. I have a lot of things personally that I need to work out. My instinct is to fight and get revenge, but a little part of me thinks I should let go and let God. I'm going to pray that little part of me gets bigger and I can handle this with class and grace.
   

Happy To Be Me

TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY!

I AM EMPLOYED AGAIN!

I'm thankful to be alive.