Britney Gets a Haircut

Brazilian waxes are ridiculously expensive. Well, expensive in the sense that I have to pay you $80 to inflict extreme pain on my nether regions. If anything, you should be paying me for not kicking you in the face because THAT takes an extraordinary amount of control.

Anyways, so when I saw a coupon on livingsocial.com for 60% off, I decided to snatch it up right away. Being that I'm in a new city and have no idea about any place's reputation, this was definitely a risky move for me. Still, 60% off?!? Can't beat it. I called ahead to the salon to find out what type of wax she used because I still had it in my head that the hard wax (wax applied without strips and only adheres to the hair itself) was better, but she said uses soft wax (applied and taken off with the strips). She claimed that in the 5 years since switching to the hard wax, her clients like it better. I took her word for it because what the hell do I know?

I did do a little research on hard vs. soft wax (not that it mattered at this point because I already bought the deal and I damn sure wasn't wasting it) and it's one of those things that I guess is based on preference. One thing I did come across, which is something I had forgotten about, is that to help with pain, it's smart to take 2 Advil about an hour before. I figured if Advil is good, Vicodin is better, so I popped one about 45 minutes before my appointment and headed out.

I don't need to run through all the details again because it's pretty much the same drill as before. However, I have a feeling that THIS is how waxes are supposed to go. My aesthetician, Xandra, was amazing. For starters, she was right about the soft wax. Or maybe it wasn't really the difference in wax so much as the way in which the hair was removed. Xandra removed the hair in small areas, as opposed to the last lady who seemed bent on getting the job done in as few passes as possible, like the wax was coming out of her paycheck. It might seem like one would want it to be done quickly and, therefore, in big swipes. But no. I'm here to tell you smaller is better (probably the only time I will ever utter those words). There were still those tough spots that I mention before and yes, they were just as painful, but considering I'd waited long past the suggested 6 week touch up, it wasn't as bad as I thought I was in for.

Conclusion: get a wax. If you find the right person, it's really not that bad.

P.S.
Stephen didn't go because although she does wax men, the coupon was only good for women. Plus, now that I've seen her, I don't really think I'll be letting him go to her. Did I mention she's pretty much a Romanian goddess? Yeah. No. He can go to Sven.

Bridezilla Moment #1

Me: When I ordered my dress in December, I was told it would take 2-3 months. Now I'm being told it won't be here until May. What is the problem?

Sales lady: Yes. Um, well, it seems like this style takes a little bit longer to come in.

Me: A little bit longer is an extra week or 2. Not 2 months longer. And furthermore, this type of information would have been helpful before I ordered the dress because it probably would have influenced my decision to buy, but I'm sure you knew that already.

SL: It's supposed to be shipped to my store, but if you'd like, it can be sent to you instead and you can get someone to alter it, if needed.

Me: Remember that time I said I moved to Seattle? Yeah. So.....should I wear my dress on the plane back, or stuff it in my suitcase? No. I will not be flying back and forth to Orlando a million times. I will be there in March and I will be there in July for my wedding. So I don't care who you have to call and what deals you have to make, but you need to get my dress there before March 18th.

SL: I can try to call the designer, but-

Me: Give me the number.

SL: They don't-

Me: Give. Me. The. Number.

SL: I-

Me: I'll find it online.

I could deal with wanting filet mignon but having to get flank steak. I could deal with ordering orchids but getting hydrangea. I could even deal with someone showing up with an extra +1. But my dress? Fuck this up and I will skin you to make a new one.

I'm coming home, I'm coming home. Tell the world I'm coming home

I have safely reached my final destination of WA. I'm so excited to be here with my fiance and to really begin these next chapters of our lives together.

It still kind of doesn't feel real yet, though. I changed clothes yesterday and started to fold thing and put them back in the suitcase. Then I realized that was completely unnecessary. So I forced myself to hang things in the closet. Maybe by next week it'll start to sink in that I'm home.

Here are some highlights/random thoughts about my trip out here:

- President Jimmy Carter was on my flight from ATL to Seattle. He also walked through the plane and shook everyone's hand. Pretty cool.

-I hate that flying makes people so cranky. I mean, it's an aircraft with more people than room so one can expect to get nudged or bumped every now and then. It's not like someone knifed your kitty so SIMMER. DOWN.

-I discovered I am one of those cranky people. But really. I want to look out of the window, too, so excuse me middle seat lady, it's not necessary to lean your dome forward to see, thus blocking my entire view of the mountains.

-I attract people that say the most random and inappropriate things to me. I can't explain why.

-I'm pushing the 6-8 week mark on getting another wax. Stay tuned for that because it might turn out to be a couple's outing :)

Countdown to a New Chapter

In 14 days, I will be on a plane to start a new life. I shouldn't be nervous; after all, I'm going to live with my best friend, but I haven't been able to shake the feeling. Then sitting at work today I realized its because it'll be the first time in 8 years that I've had to make friends.

I don't even know how to do that. It's different as a kid because that's what kids do. In high school, it was hard at first because everyone knew each other since 1st grade, but when I moved to Okinawa it was easy because we were all kids in a foreign land. Same with going to college. This is the first time as an adult that I will be the new kid.

I hope I can find a place at the lunch table.

Is This a New Record?

Two posts in two days? Has this happened before?

I usually write on 2 occasions: 1) something amazingly funny has happened and I have to share or 2) I'm incredibly stressed out. If you guessed that is a time #2, congratulations. You win.

I know just yesterday I wrote about how excited I am to move, and I still am, but I'm also worried. And when I'm worried, I don't sleep. Good thing I'm taking vitamins because all this stress is bound to make my hair fall out :(

I've been up since about 3am, watching Teen Mom 2 and worrying about my (read: our) future. I finally sat down to do some LSAT studying--story of my life. Which kind of got this ball of worry rolling. I still don't feel prepared enough to take it next month and do well enough to get into school this fall. However, if I don't take it now, I would have to wait until NEXT YEAR to apply for (and hopefully start) school. It might not seem that bad but not only will I be 30 this year, I'm also getting married in 6 months.

I know plenty of people get married and go to school and blah blah blah, but I feel like my time is running out. The logical next step after marriage for me is to have children. Although I don't plan on making this an immediate step, I would like it to happen within the year after our wedding. Law school is at least another 3 years and I feel that having a child while being a full-time law student is a less than ideal situation.

But then that leaves me with, if not law school, then what?

I never thought I'd be in this place. Growing up, I figured by this time in my life, I'd be good at something. Anything. But I'm not. I have no real skills to speak of and I don't have a career; I just have jobs and feel that I'm floating around trying to find something to do and it's becoming a huge waste of time. I started out with psychology and then decided I didn't want to go farther with that. Then I did entertainment business but trying to get an in with no experience is damn near impossible. Law has always been in the background but after 2 failed LSATs, I'm not really looking forward to getting back on that horse.

I have to do something. I want to be able to help my future husband support us, I want to give my children the best life possible, I want to love (or at least not loathe) what I do, and I want to feel like I can breathe.

Now wonder I can't effing sleep.

Today is where my book begins

I have taken one step closer to starting my new life. I turned in my notice to work and by the end of this month, I will be joining my fiance in Washington. I absolutely cannot wait to get there; I just wish it were HERE already. I should be wishing that time would go by a little slower, since I have about a million things to do between now and then, but my need to be with him and beginning our lives together overrides that.

(I was going to insert a cute picture of us, but can't figure out how to make it not show up at the top of the page)

In other news, look for an update post regarding "THE WAX." I'm due for a touch up around the first week of February. Should be interesting, to say the least.

Wax On, Wax Off

Okay. So with my new(ish) weight loss, I'm starting to do a lot of things I've never done. Paint my toes, run some laps, shop in normal stores. Today was another first for me: I got a Brazilian wax.
Now, for those of you that are not aware, a Brazilian wax differs from a standard bikini wax in that all the hair is removed. ALL. OF. IT. From everywhere. Front to back.

Sounds awesome, right?

Let's take this from the beginning.

I get to the salon and am quite relieved that it doesn't look like they might also be running a small sweatshop in the back. You have to go through these glass doors to get to the waxing area, which I figured would be handy when I start my Tourette-like behavior. After being led past the point of no return, I got my first surprise. Tessa (the aesthetician) told me to take off all my clothes from the waist down and pull the towel over me.

Excuse me? All? You see, I had previously been (mis)informed that when getting a Brazilian, you keep your undies on and simply pull them to each side when it's time to wax. Maybe that's true, but not the case here. So now I'm getting the bubble guts because I have a problem with showing my Britney to strangers, even if they have an M.D. behind their name, and even more so when they don't. Anyways, my stomach is doing some serious rumbling and I'm thinking, oh God, please please PLEASE do not let me get gas right now.

Tessa comes back in and pretty much gets right to it. She rolls up the towel and my Britney is out for all to see. Dramatic, I know, but seriously, there was no leading into it. I kept having to tell myself to stop being an idiot; this woman problems sees hundreds of cooters, mine is no different. I told her this was my first time and she explained to me how this was gonna go. I'm glad she didn't BS me about how it's not that bad; actually, she kept repeating that since this is the first time, it's gonna hurt like hell. Good. I was hoping for some pain tonight. She said that it hurts less on the bikini line but most definitely gets worse as you move towards the inside. I'll go ahead and just let you think about what she means by the inside.

Mmmhmm. Yes.

So she bends my legs into frog position and starts chatting away. At first I thought she was a little spastic, but then she said she wasn't really expecting me to chat back, it was to try and take my mind off the pain. She slathers up the stick thingy with the wax and more or less paints it onto my bikini line. She's using hard wax, which is wax that you rip off without the wax strips. Supposedly it's better---but it's not. Anyways, the first rip didn't hurt as much as I thought it would and I started to relax. Bad move. She moved to the dreaded inside. Here she is, talking away and effectively distracting me from what's about to come and then started picking at the edges, which I guess is how she tells the wax is ready for removal. She grabbed hold of the end and let 'er rip.

OH. MY. HELL.

I swear on all things holy, those hairs must have been connected to nerve endings in my spine. My toes curled, my back arched, and I had a very 40 year old Virgin reaction. Tessa had obviously heard it all because she didn't miss a beat talking about her dogs. Like I give a shit at this point. My eyes are watering, my ears are ringing, and I don't care about your Boston Terrier and the tricks she can do. Mind you, this is only the bottom of the inside. There's still the middle and top (she doesn't do it in one strip), and a WHOLE other side. I clearly am not able to quit now but Jesus, Mary and Joseph, I want to. A few more toe curling rips later and she's done with side one. She goes back over it to make sure she got everything but it's so numb at this point, it doesn't even matter.

The first rip on side 2 is worse than the first rip on side 1 and it's all I can do to not punch her in the teeth. Granted, she started on the outside, but for whatever reason, this is way worse than the very first time. So here she comes with the wax to slather on and as she's applying it, an alarm in my brain goes off that says "shit is about to get real right now." I don't even know how I knew, perhaps it was the way in which she was spreading on the wax, but I just KNEW this was not going to end well. As she starts the rip, it hurts so bad that I jump and she looses her grip on it and the wax is still stuck to me. This happens two more times. On the fourth time she has to tell me that moving is not helping and yes, this will be the most painful spot, but the sooner she can get it off, the better for me. I went deep down inside my happy place and steadied myself. She ripped it off and a tiny tear rolled down my cheek. According to her, everyone has one spot that the toughest and that was mine. Thinking about it now, I can still feel a little bit of throbbing. And FYI, this was not even the inside.

After we're done with the inside, her next instruction is to put my feet flat on the table and lift one leg in the air. I'm thinking, okay, so far you have been almost nose deep in Britney, not even my GYN gets that close, and now you want my leg in the air? What the eff for? Well, apparently there is hair there that can't be reached in the normal position. She told me it shouldn't hurt since there's very little hair there. Lies. It hurt less than, say, giving birth. But not by much.

Now we're nearing the end and she tells me she's just going to "get up the back." Yes, that is as uncomfortable as it sounds. I will say I was happy that for this, I only had to lay on my side because I was always thought you had to get on all fours with your butt in the air for them to get that. At first it wasn't weird, but then her finger grazed my butthole. More than once. I had what can only be described as a gag reaction, except it's more of a pucker. I'm sure that looked attractive. At some point, it registered with me exactly where the wax was going (where nothing should go) and I didn't even have time to get ready before she rips it off. Let me just tell you, it's no more fun to "get up the back" done than it is to get hit by a truck.

But here I am now. I survived. And I like the results. I would recommend everyone doing it at least once. Have a drink or 5 first though, and maybe some Vicodin.