FAIL

Be warned. This is a woe is me post. It'll be pretty negative. If that's not what you're looking for in your day, you might want to skip this.

I got my LSAT scores yesterday. Remember when I said I'm either smarter than I thought I was, or I did horribly? Yeah, it was the latter.

To be honest, I didn't think I would do phenomenally. I thought I would fall in the average range, given that 1) I hadn't taken this test before and 2) I studied but not as much as I should/could have. To say I did horribly is a gross understatement. I'm not giving a number, but I would equate it to not breaking 1000 on the SAT.

At first, I sat in shock. Then I was kind of numb because, well, there went my dream of going to law school. Later on, I cried because I feel like a failure and this? Right here? Is why I never took the test in the past. I'm a big believer of knowing my capabilities and while I think I'm savvy enough to be a good attorney, when it comes to having to takes tests, I can't do it. I don't know if it's lack of focus or diminished mental capacity, but either way, I suck at it. I always have. Elementary school, middle school, high school, all the way up. When it came to doing homework and class participation, it was clear I knew the material. But then it would be test time, and I'd be getting Cs. It's incredibly frustrating and I have no idea how to fix it.

While it's a devastating blow to my ego (since I pride myself on being fairly intelligent), it isn't really the end of the world. Although my score has, temporarily, taken me out of the running for most of the schools I planned on applying to, I can re-take the test in February or June. However, deadlines are approaching and for a few of the schools on my list, the December test is the latest one I could take before applications were due. So now I have to go through the schools, find out which ones will allow me to use scores from June, and study my ass from now until then.

But if I still don't do well after an additional 5 months of studying, I may drive my car off a bridge.

It's Been A While

Here's what's happened in the past 4-ish weeks:

1. I started working. I actually like my job. It's not stressful, which is a big plus for me. Especially if I plan on working and going to school at the same time. The people I work with are nice and overall, it's a good company.
2. I've lost 58 lbs to date. I bought a whole new wardrobe (mostly for work) and I feel fabulous!! I look pretty good, too :)
3. I finally took my LSAT. It was not as bad as I thought it was going to be. Which means I'm either smarter than I thought I was or I'm not at all and I did really bad. I'm hoping it's the former.
   
4. I've also started filling out my applications for schools. I'm struggling with my personal statement. I haven't led an interesting life. I'm not a crack baby, I was never homeless, I grew up with both parents in a loving home. I'm not being flip. I just sometimes feel like those are the types of stories schools like to hear about; it's almost like you have to show that you can overcome diversity to handle higher education. Hopefully I can form an essay that doesn't suck.
5. I have a lot of things personally that I need to work out. My instinct is to fight and get revenge, but a little part of me thinks I should let go and let God. I'm going to pray that little part of me gets bigger and I can handle this with class and grace.
   

Happy To Be Me

TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY!

I AM EMPLOYED AGAIN!

I'm thankful to be alive.

Matthew 6:8

Looks like my funemployment run is over. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, someone finally hired me!

I am beyond excited. I was a little annoyed when the first question out of my mother's mouth was "How much are you making?" Um, more than I'm making now, which is $0. Thanks. Granted, I'm not making as much as I've made in the past, but you know what? I don't even care right now.

I'm excited, it's a good company, there's room for growth, and it fits in well with my plans to go to law school. Oh, and now I can actually go to the doctor without having to exchange a kidney for payment.

Seriously, friends?!? Seriously.

As of the last time I weighed myself, I have lost 42 lbs. Yay me!

So I'm all excited and start grabbing clothes out my closet to try on. I'm giddy, thinking that my pants will fall off me and shirts will look like tents and woo-hoo, shopping spree time. Except I put on my clothes, and they fit. Not only did they fit, but they looked better on me than they had in the past. Which can only mean one thing.

HOW COME NO ONE TOLD ME I WAS FAT GUY IN A LITTLE COAT?

Honestly, people. It's clear from my little fashion show that I was a) bigger than I thought and b) wearing clothes that were too small. Thanks for telling me.

You guys are fired.

T-Minus 30 days

This time next month, I will be taking the LSAT. For which I am non too prepared.

How can that be, you ask? Simple. I am so completely unmotivated, it's not even funny. It's weird. I've wanted to go to law school for as long as I can remember. When most people want something this badly, they work their asses off for it. Why am I not doing that?

Truth be told, there are several schools I could get into without bothering to study. But I don't think they're any schools that I would want to go to. FAMU, for example. They don't have very high standards, as far as the test scores go, for their incoming students. However, the last thing I want to do is stay in FL. I'm not even applying to any schools here because I don't want to get stuck. That's probably not a smart idea but it's what I'm going with for now.

I just hope I can get it together and learn something in the next month or I may very well be stuck in the hell that is Florida.

Ohana

I just got off the phone with my mother and she shared something with me that makes me cry a little. I want to shout it from the rooftops (and facebook) about it, but I think it's still somewhat of a surprise. However, I feel like my blog is a safe place to do it because the chances of the person for whom the surprise is intended for reading my blog is slim to none.

That being said, if my cousin is reading this, keep your mouth shut; your mother doesn't know this is gonna go down. Thanks.

One of my aunts recently found out she had stomach cancer. She had surgery to remove the tumor but will still be undergoing chemo. My mother said that my aunt found out that she will be losing her hair, and my aunt could only cry. My mother and her youngest sister are going to Savannah to be with my aunt and, to show their love and support, are shaving their heads. Not cutting their hair short. Shaving. Bald. Gone.

I think they are amazing and I wish I was going to be there with them.