Catch Up

Wow. It's been over a year since writing anything. I mean, I knew it's been a while but damn. Here's what's happened since I've been gone:

- Got in to law school (yay!)
-Moved to FL to start first year of school
-Moved back to Seattle (boo) after first year because the hubby was still here
-Started my 2nd year

Annnnd...that's it. I'm sorry there aren't more exciting things to report. Really, I decided to write because I have a lot going on and I have no one to talk to. I know, I know. 'What about your husband?' Have you ever had an issue that you didn't want advice, or sympathies, or condolences for? You just want someone to shut up and listen and say that sucks, I'm sorry you're going through that. My husband isn't that person. He's a fixer and I don't need that right now.

We've been trying to conceive for 5 months, and each month...nothing. We did get a positive test in July, but I had miscarriage. That was rough. It happened while my mom was visiting us, and I hadn't even told her yet because I was thinking of a cute surprise. Well, surprise, I had a miscarriage and oh, by the way, I was pregnant.

It sucks really, really badly. I've been trying to be hopeful every month, and it is a soul crushing blow for every month to get a negative test. Of course all I can do is think 'what if I had done this?' and 'what if I had done that?' The worst part is the uncertainty it leaves you with. Will it ever happen? What if it doesn't? What if it's him? What if it's me? All these questions and no answers. I had to deactivate Facebook because I can't handle all the pregnancy and birth announcements. If I see another one, I will lose my shit. I want to be happy for people, but I'm not. I'm angry. It's not fair. All these years I've done everything right: no drugs, no prostitution, marriage THEN baby. Still nothing. No one I know understands the position I'm in. They all say the same shit. "Relax." "Don't worry." "It will happen." FYI, DO NOT SAY THESE THINGS. You don't know that it will happen and don't fucking tell me to relax. It's basically impossible for me to talk to anyone about how I'm feeling so instead I just put it out into the blog universe.

Until next time.

Better to Pick Myself Up with These Bootstraps.....

Than to hang myself with them.

For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to go to law school. For as long as I can remember, I've put off taking the LSAT and applying, mainly because I've been afraid to fail at it. Since I'm getting older, though, I decided now is the time because I don't want to be going back to school at 40 (not that there's anything wrong with that; it's just not for me). So I did. I took the LSAT and sent out my apps and waited. And waited. And waited. Given my current situation (living in WA and not really having the money to move somewhere else) I only applied to 2 schools....1 here and the other in VA (only because they gave me a fee waiver). The responses? Denied. Both of them.

A normal person in this situation would try again. After all, if this is their dream, why give up on it? I, however, an not normal. I feel like my worst fears have been realized and I need to accept it and move on. I'm really not all that torn up about it either which also makes me question how badly I wanted it to begin with. Maybe a lot, maybe not. I do know that I can't dwell on it and I need to move on to the next.

I'm not settled into a career like I thought I would be at 30 and I'm still trying to find my horse to ride, but I have no doubts that whatever I end up doing, I will be great at it.

I'm A Big Kid Now

Time and time again I find myself stuck in a job I hate. And every time I say "this will be the last time" but it never happens.

Until today.

I hate my current job. Actually, I don't hate the job itself as much as I hate the person I work under but really, it's the same thing. Anyway, I've been looking for an out since I started and my husband told me about an open position at his office. It would be doing nothing that I ever wanted to do, but at least I wouldn't be here anymore. I've been going back and forth with it since last night and when I went to bed, I had decided that I would just go for it. This morning though, it hit me. I can't expect things to change if I keep doing what I've always done (not to mention it could reflect badly on my husband if I take the job and then 2 months later I'm ready to bounce). Instead I've decided to stick it out and wait until something I truly want comes along. Even if that means I have to deal with the biggest c-u-next-Tuesday this side of the Mississippi.

I'm growing up 😄

Positive Thinking

I recently finished reading A Place of Yes. It's not a book I normally would have read willingly (even though I LOVE Bethenny) because I'm illogically against self-help/motivational/self-actualizing books, but a friend of mine suggested I give it a try and for reasons still unknown, I did. It might be too early to tell, but I think it's going to be one of those books that life changing for me. I'm currently trying to implement some of the things she talked about. First up is having what Bethenny refers to as an "I'm on top of it" approach. Basically, she advises against thinking any job is beneath you and no matter the task, no matter the job, even if you hate it, do your best at it; people around you will take notice and that could open many doors for you. Those people who, when given a task, are all about "I'm on top of it!" are those who tend to go farther. Pretty much the equivalent of you catch more bees with honey than with vinegar.....or however that saying goes.

It's no secret I hate my job. With a passion. Not only do I hate the actual job (which is copying, scanning, emailing, and overall creating and building a case that you don't really get credit for) but I also hate the paralegal. She's rude, obnoxious, condescending, and I just don't vibe with her. However, I've decided that instead of complaining about it all day, because let's be real, it's not changing anything, I will continue to do my job and do it well until another opportunity comes along. Today was my first day giving it a try. I won't lie, it was hard as hell at certain points in the day, but I'm not giving up.

I should try using some of these rules in other aspects of my life and I plan on it, but really, baby steps.

Turns Out Not Where But Who You're With...

Sorry DMB, but I'm calling BS on that one.

I seem to be regressing. When I was younger, I used to cry, bitch and moan constantly about being a military brat. I can distinctly remember saying that when I have kids, I making damn sure that I don't marry a military man because I want my children to have stable lives and the same friends from kindergarten up to college. Then around the time we went to Japan, I changed my tune. I couldn't WAIT to marry someone in the military so my kids could move around and experience different people and places, and I've been like that ever since.

Except now.

I am so homesick I could cry. Or scream. Actually, I've been doing both lately. Today is worse than ever because this weekend if my family reunion and this is the first time I'm not there. I didn't go mainly because I have to take the LSAT tomorrow, but if we were living in FL, or at least somewhere close, I could make it home. It's takes damn near a full day with time changes and such to fly from here to FL and obviously driving is out of the question.

This also presents a problem when it comes time for us to start a family. I keep saying that I need to be close to my support system before I start having babies; my husband seems to think all we need is each other. I'm sorry, no. He doesn't understand where I'm coming from because 1) he's a man and 2) he thinks that whatever his mother was able to do means that's the way to do it...he's very "if she could do it, so can you." It's not about whether or not I CAN; of course I can. But who wants to do that? I'M the one who will be at home for 3 months with a newborn, I'M the one who won't have anyone to get me out of the house at the 4th week so I don't go crazy, I'M the one who will need her mom and won't be able to have her readily available. Okay, maybe that last one isn't entirely fair since his mother isn't with us anymore, but you get my point. He doesn't even try to see things from my perspective. Also, it's fun to share this experience with your friends and family: baby showers, maternity clothes shopping, hospital and home visitors....all stuff I won't have here because I only know ONE person.

I hate it here.

Time for an Update

So it's been forever, I know, but aside from a few highlights, my life hasn't been that interesting. Here's an update in the shortest form I can manage.

• July 29th, 2012, Stephen and I tied the knot. It was my most favorite day of my life thus far and I'm excited to live the rest of my life with him.

• We both started new jobs. He loves his. I hate mine. Actually, it's not that I hate the job itself, just the girl I work with. And come Monday, the fur is gonna fly. You'll know if I still have a job if the frequency of my posting increases.

• A close friend of mine got engaged and I'm super excited for her. My husband asked me the other day if I was in the bridal party and it wasn't until then that I realized I'm hurt I wasn't asked to be. And that's all I have to say about that.

• I have decided to start a business. It's in it's very early stages and I'm excited to see what I can do.

So yeah. Months and months of my life can be summed up into 4 bullet points. Awesome, right?

Until next time.

Under 21 not permitted

I posted today on FB a question that I've been trying to figure out the answer to by myself. How exactly do I tell people that they're children are not invited to the wedding?

Oh, the responses. It's at least 30 responses deep and there are mixed feelings. People pointed out that regardless of the words I choose, there will be people that will bring their children anyway. I get that people with children want them to be with them but quite honestly, it's my day (well, our day) and if I say no children, I'm really hoping that people will respect that. That would be like you inviting me to your party and telling me not to bring a friend of mine that you really can't stand, but I decide f*ck it, I'm bringing her anyways. Kind of disrespectful. And maybe something little like that shouldn't bother me and kudos to those that it wouldn't make a difference to. HOW-EV-ER, I am OCD and like things the way I like them and dammit, I only plan on doing this once so why shouldn't it be exactly how I want it?

Don't get me wrong. It's not that I hate children or that I think people will be getting naked wasted. It's that 1) I don't want to risk children (mainly babies) starting to cry in the middle of the ceremony, then the parent has to get up and it's a distraction and 2) most of the people invited have at least one child. Do you know what that does to your budget?!? I'm not paying $15 a child so your kid can eat 1/2 a chicken finger and 3 fries.

I'm gonna try not to give myself an ulcer worrying about it but I guess I'd better gear up for the uncomfortable phone calls I might have to make to let people know that "sorry the no children at the bottom of the invite wasn't clear...."

I did say (jokingly) say that I was going to have a bouncer but now I'm thinking my planner may have to wear that hat on 7/29.